01 June 2013

Arsenal's already signed Messi, Jovetic, Higuain, Fabregas, Villa, and Rooney. That's not all...

Done and done. The squad looks remarkably different from how it looked last year, as the only regular still able to find room on the pitch will be Koscielny. Every other position has been filled by a fantastic addition to the squad in a masterful coup engineered by manager Arsène Wenger. Further burnishing his credentials as Le Professeur, and distinguishing himself as an economics guru  par excellence, Arsène was able to sign each player for a fraction of his asking price, astonishing transfer-market experts with his acumen, speed, and efficiency.

"All I did was read headlines in The Mirror and The Sun. Each time we were mentioned in connection with a player, I simply convinced that player to join us," explained Wenger. "How do I convince them to sign for so little, you ask? Let me only say, I can be--how do you say?--persuasive. Yes. That is it." Pressed for further detail, the Arsenal manager flashed a trademark smirk. "I hear all of this talk of 'Arsene needs to spend' and 'Wenger is a cheapskate' so I say, I say to myself, 'it is time to show them. I will buy every player they suggest.' Now we shall see who is the best manager in the world!"

Further confounding experts, Wenger plans to deploy both Valdes and Cesar in goal at the same time, although a few have suggested that this certainly violates some rule or another, or at least violates the spirit of fair play to some degree. At any rate, the team looks set to outscore its opponents on a weekly basis with an attack that features Jovetic, Higuain, Villa, Rooney, and Messi. Wenger has admitted that playing five forwards at once might undermine the defense, not to mention the midfield, as seven starting slots will now be occupied by two keepers and five forwards. Wenger dismissed suggestions that Rooney or Messi might occupy a deeper-lying role, orchestrating the attack and creating scoring opportunities for the other three forwards. Such a formation would at least allow Wenger to field a back-line of four players. Who those players would be, though, is an open question.

"Holy crap," said team-captain Thomas Vermaelen. "It's the first day of June. The transfer window isn't even officially open, we have seven new players already. Sure, a little competition for starting spots is great and all, but this might be a little much. At least he hasn't signed any new defenders." When told that, in the time it took him to say this, Wenger had announced the signings of Skrtel, Capoue, and Williams, Vermaelen pulled out a tattered index-card and read, "I'm happy at Arsenal. I didn't play much, and that was frustration, but things can turn around quickly. I was on the bench, but I could just as quickly be playing again. I'm working hard to make that happen." He then turned abruptly and marched off.

However, in some kind of wrinkle in the space-time continuum, Wenger responded to those who have read this post and criticized him for being "just like Chelsea or Man City, hoovering up star players instead of finding and developing young talent as he used to." He promptly loaned out each player in deals that will allow their contracts to expire, leaving the club exactly as it was just a few hours before. Wenger explained: "Maybe this will make them happy? I am not sure anymore what it is they want. I don't spend money? They criticize me. I spend money? They criticize me. It is hard work following the expert-advice of all of the fans, but it is after all what I was hired to do. If tomorrow, I read that I should never have let Nasri or Adebayor leave, it is them I will sign. Anything to please the fans, who always know more than I how to run a football club." Forensic experts who studied this statement could find no trace of frustration, sarcasm, or irony in his voice, so we are forced to take this last statement at face-value.

A dramatically-revamped, then un-revamped Arsenal squad will travel to Indonesia, Vietnam, and Japan in July, and it is rumored that Wenger has his eye on several starlets--hidden gems, it's been said--in each country.