26 June 2013

Squirrel that lives on Gonzalo's brother's ex-girlfriend's street confirms Higuain has signed with Arsenal

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina: In a stunning tell-all interview, a local squirrel has been able to confirm that Gonzalo Higuain, the want-away Real Madrid striker, has signed a contract with Arsenal FC of London, England. The dramatic news comes as a source of tremendous relief and excitement to fans of the London-based club, who to this point have had to content themselves with a slow but steady trickle of unconfirmed leaks from people with no connection to the negotiations. Now, finally, has come incontrovertible proof from an indisputable source--members of the family Sciuridae are legendary, not just for their agility in stealing from bird-feeders and indecisiveness in the face of danger, but also for their importance to the summer transfer-window. This particular squirrel is known as being "in the know" even before the ink has dried on a contract.

While unable to speak English, Spanish, or Italian, the squirrel was able to communicate his insights through an elaborately choreographed series of dashes. He would first run about three meters, stop, lift one paw and stare in the direction from which he came; he would then suddenly dart back at an angle approximately 43 degrees from the first lap before freezing stock-still with all paws splayed. Then would follow a series of tail-flicks, each quicker than the last. Finally, the squirrel emitted a series of sounds that observers described as "like a bark that ends with a whistle and it looks like he was trying to barf."

Rodentologists explain that this performance translates roughly to "Gonzalo Higuain has signed for Arsenal. The deal will pay him more than £100,000 per week. Also, Mourinho is a wanker."

In more-serious news, here's a quick break-down of probabilities according transfermrkt:
  • Higuain to Arsenal: 74%
  • Higuain to Juventus: 47%
  • Tevez to Juventus: 77%
Interestingly, the probability of Tevez to Juventus is only a bit stronger than Higuain to Arsenal, and Tevez is apparently already in Italy for his medical. The stories suggest that Tevez will sign for £12m or so, which is less than half  of what City paid for him. This tells us a bit about how Juventus approaches the transfer-market--a budget-buy of Tevez, taking Bendtner, Anelka, and Llorente on loans (and then signing Llorente). In other words, not all that ambitious. We should be able to beat them to Higuain--although we may now have to keep an eye on Man City. I don't think they need or want another striker when they have Dzeko and Aguero. Then again, when you have the word "Sheikh" in front of your name, the concept of "needs" and "wants" are mere trifles. Let's just get Higuain. I was almost more comfortable when it was Juventus we had to beat.

When will Higuain sign?

Poll update (10am CST): 43% of voters believe that Higuain's signing could be announced by the end of the week, up from 31% before the news of the Serie A scandal, and 35% believe it could happen by next Friday, up from 21%. 78% of all voters, then, (and almost all of them since the scandal broke) are feeling pretty good. Does Tevez's move throw a spanner in the works, though? I've added the poll here in case you want to cast (or change) a vote.