20 October 2013

Player Ratings vs. Norwich. Parental Advisory: Explicit.

Saturday's match delivered us some sexy, sexy football, the kind of eye-candy one could only find in the wee hours of the night on HBO or Cinemax Skinemax. It was sultry; it was sweaty; it was orgasmic. The only downside to orgasmic experiences is the recovery period. Thankfully, our boys were vital enough to rouse themselves to their full and upright positions after each score quickly enough to deliver one stunner after another. To wit, then, the rankings.

  • Giroud: NC-17. Delicious deliveries on two of four goals. Didn't score for himself but set up Wilshere and Özil in fine fashion.
  • Özil: NC-17. Proving himself as the steal of the summer transfer window with two goals and three key passes (actually lowering his rate to from 4 per game to 3.8 per game).
  • Wilshere: NC-17. A goal and an assist tell only part of the story as he also matched Özil with three key passes and was vital throughout. That goal? That goal on its own should earn the retired "X" rating. 
  • Gibbs: R. Could have closed better on Norwich's lone goal but an otherwise solid all-around performance, including a team-high five tackles.
  • Sagna: R. Led the team in interceptions with four and adapted well to the departure of Flamini.
  • Szczesny: R. Beaten on a nice rabbit-chaser of a shot, he otherwise did well to parry a number of shots and turned in an assured but not cocky performance.
  • Arteta: R. Showing a few signs of rust, he nevertheless turned in a confident performance with 95% passing while leading the team in passes (94).
  • Cazorla: PG-13. Helped to initiate one of the most beautiful sequences in recent memory but otherwise a bit rusty. Some nice passes and dribbles to tantalize us once he's back to fitness...
  • Kos 6.8: PG-13. Second in the team in clearances (3) and launched the second goal with a well-timed interception. Only complaint? Didn't boss the game.
  • Per 6.6: PG. Fluffed a clearance but did lead in effective clearances (5). Kept the defense organized even after Flamini left and, with him, the threat of blinding opponents.
  • Flamini 6.3: PG. Despite only playing 37 minutes, he led the team with six accurate long balls and knocked himself unconscious for a moment, sure to lead a to a Chuck Norris-esque meme. 
Subs
  • Bendtner (78th minute): PG. Led the team with 100% pass-accuracy (calm down, he only attempted nine) but did well to pass on the 4th goal when pressure might have otherwise forced him to shoot.
  • Rosicky (59th minute) 6.3: PG. He changed the energy of the game when he came on, and his cross to Ramsey (who headed down to Özil for the goal) was spot-on.
  • Ramsey (37th minute): X. Yum. Sumptuous. Pressed into duty after Flamini knocked himself out, Ramsey scored and assisted while sharing with Özil the team-lead in shots on target (3) and key passes (3) and leading in successful dribbles (5). Um, he also shared the team-lead for tackles with Gibbs (5). Did I mention how he undressed three defenders on his way to scoring?