27 January 2014

Now, you too can report on transfer-rumors!

In the final days of the transfer-window, wild stories are going explode, linking every imaginable player with just about every imaginable club. It's enough to drive a fan crazy!. Well, friend, instead of keeping track of which players are going where, why not join the fun? It's never been easier, thanks to this handy, easy-to-use "'write' your own transfer rumor" kit. 

It’s fun! It’s easy! Watch the page-views roll up—all you have to do is fill in a few blanks, and—presto!—you’ve invented-slash-reported on the latest transfer, no matter how outlandish. Don’t let “facts” stand in your way. Heck—you don’t even need “research.” In fact, don’t waste your time looking anything. No history, no stats, no financials. They’ll just slow you down and let some other reporter scoop you. All you need is this easy form, a few names, and some good ol’ fashioned gumption

1.     Optional—choose a hook. Please note—while the choice of a hook is optional, the use of    
           all 
capital letters is strictly observed. However, exclamation-points are considered poor form.
a.     EXCLUSIVE:
b.     BREAKING:
c.     UPDATE:

2.     Choose your headline:
a.      [Club name] agree fee for [adjective] [player’s nationality]
b.     [Club name] plan shock move for want-away [rival club name]’s  [player’s position].
c.      Could this £[number] [player’s nationality or position] be the key to [club name]’s title-challenge?
d.     [Club name] join [rival club name]’s race to sign  £[number] [player’s nationality or position].
e.      [Club name] star ready to make move to [rival club name].

3.     Compose your article. All you have to do is fill in the blanks!

________ newspaper _______ has revealed that _______ have launched a/an _________

bid for ____________’s young _____________, as _____________ has been tracking the

player’s development for some time now. ________ was seen at _____________’s

training ground, prompting speculation on twitter, facebook, and other social media. It

was uncertain as to ___________’s true intentions, but sources familiar with the story

revealed that he was scouting ___________ ahead of a bid said to be £______________. 

The want-away player, said to be worth worth £_____________  is said to be unhappy

with his limited chances in the first team and would welcome a switch to _____________

for a chance at more playing time. He as superb __________, strong __________, and

exceptional ____________, all qualities especially prized by ____________.

That's all there is to it! Let your imagination run wild. Amaze your friends: Troll your enemies! Who knows? Maybe one of your concoctions will turn out, and all of a sudden, you're famous! The more of these babies you churn out, the more likely you are to strike it rich. Act now—you're working under a deadline, after all!

[note: I know that I've commented on transfers, mostly in the context of analyzing whether I think such-and-such a player is worth it, and so I hope it doesn't feel as if I'm trying to have it both ways by writing about the odds of Draxler coming to Arsenal one day and mocking transfer-talk another].