14 March 2014

Sing a song of Koscielny

The issue's been marinating in my mind ever since Kos first joked that he wants his own song, telling the official Arsenal magazine, "I don't know" why there's still no song for the man, nearly four years after he joined the club. By contrast, fellow Frenchman Olivier Giroud has already picked up his own song based around the Beatles' "Hey Jude", and fellow centre-back Per Mertesacker has earned his "Big Friendly German" chant just months after joining the club. Kos went on to explain his dismay, saying, "maybe I need to have Olivier's nose or his haircut, or maybe they don't like me" (far from true, Laurent; far from true). "Before I retire, I am hoping to have my own song." Well, just days later, he earned the tribute, at least 'round these parts,when he went on to arrange a donation of some £495m to save an accordion factory in his hometown of Tulle. Apparently, the factory was struggling to compete with cheaper accordions from eastern Europe. I pondered. Accordions...eastern Europe ...Kos...chants...then, it hit me. Purple.

I bring you Gogol Bordello. More specifically, I bring you their sea-shanty "Start Wearing Purple", a drunken, nonsensical romp that hits all the right notes, at least in my mind—ribald, rhythmic, repetitive—and accompanied by an accordion.

You've got the video over yonder to play though as often as necessary; below, we ponder the re-jiggered lyrics from the chorus in order to offer tribute to our Gallic hero:
Start scoring, Laurent; scoring Laurent!
Start scoring headers for me now,
These opponents and keepers, they'll all vanish,
I promise, it's just a matter of time!
Not sold? I get it. After all, Kos doesn't score all that often. He is, after all, a centre-back. As such, he spends a fair amount of time marking opponents and denying them service. However, "start marking, Laurent!" doesn't quite inspire the fervor that the fans need. "Start fouling"? Hmm...again, not quite on the mark.  "Start flopping"? No, there's something not quite Suarezian, not quite Robbenesque, about it (not that such players need a chant to inspire them to flop for all they're worth).

What, then? "Start tackling" doesn't quite make the grade. Neither does "Start intercepting". Something about iambic pentameter or what-have-you. I can't quite put my finger on it. Even the phrases that seemed to fit—"start heading", "start clearing", "start blocking"...none of them fit. Each of these aforementioned feats are a part of what the Kos brings to the pitch, but none of them encompasses what he brings or who he is to us..

It was then that the epiphany hit me: Kos. As in, "start Kos-ing, Laurent." This says it all. Why separate and label the various ways that he can dominate? Instead, why not dub him and all he does for us with his own moniker while gracing him with his own song? To wit, I suggest as his song, "Start Kos-ing Laurent!" For those of you who still harbor doubts, give the original song from Gogol Bordello a chance while singing and chanting yourself silly:

While you've come this far, why not throw down with your own suggestions? Here are the rest of the lyrics if you'd like to try to match the rhythm:
Start wearing purple wearing purple,
Start wearing purple, for me now!
All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish,
I promise, it's just a matter of time

I know you since you were a twenty and I was twenty
But thought that some years from now
A purple little little lady will be perfect
For dirty old and useless clown

[chorus]

I know it all from Diogenis to Foucault
Lozgechkin to PaspartuI ja kljanus obostzav dva paltza
Schto muzika poshla ot Zvukov Mu!

So Fio-Fio-Fioletta! Etta!
Va-va-va-vaja dama ti moja!
Eh podayte name karetu, votetu,
I mi poedem k ebenjam!

[chorus]
I'd be quite interested to see what you'd come up with for the stanzas there towards the end , which are in Russian, I gather. At any rate, ahead of our trip to White Hart Lane, it seems fitting to celebrate the man whose goal on the last day of the 2012-13 season sealed our 4th-place finish above the Scum for the 18th year running.