16 October 2015

Arsène SHOCKS Arsenal by leaving the Emirates before 20:17...

HOLLOWAY, London, England—Long-serving manager Arsène Wenger has shocked footballing fans around the world by announcing that he plans to leave the Emirates well before 20:17 even though his contract runs well through June 2017. Rumours of his departure have bubbled up repeatedly over the years as Arsenal have struggled to live up to the high expectations established during the first eight years of Arsène's tenure, during which time the club enjoyed an unparalleled period of success. Since then, a period of epidemic mediocrity has beset the club, and it's little wonder that the man after whom the club was named will be leaving the Emirates sooner rather than later.

With the club currently two points adrift of Man City with just 30 matches left to play, the infamous "Wenger Out Bridage" is in full throat, all the more so after lackluster wins over Manchester United and Leicester City. A tetchy AGM has put Arsène even further on the back foot as he has had to yet again defend his apparent refusal or inability to spend more over the summer.

"Have I only spent £10 when I had £200 to spend? Maybe this is a little bit true, but the check was worth not much more than this," Wenger insisted when pressed. "After all, I ordered only one glass of wine and had a little bit nibble of the complimentary bread. Was it top quality wine? No, it was the house wine, but it lacked sharpness. Am I leaving before 20:17? I don't know. I don't want to comment on these speculations. I manage this club many years, I work many hours to make for the club the best football." At this, Wenger checked his watch, and a look of surprise came over his face.

"I am sorry. I did not realise the time," he said as he fiddled with his zipper. "The traffic at this time, it will require me to apply constantly a little bit handbrake, and petrol and the fuel-efficiency will drop a little bit. Will I leave before 20:17? Yes, I believe this is good timing. At that hour, the windows will have to remain closed. I have a little bit niggle in the throat, I think, but I hope to return in two weeks. Perhaps three."

With that, Wenger left the Emirates just as the clock read 8:17, leaving himself plenty of time to drive home before the post-dinner traffic pub-crawls commenced. Reports confirm that he arrived safely at home in time to rewatch Fever Pitch before bed.