17 April 2016

Open Letter to Crystal Palace: beggin' yer Pardew.

Let's face facts, shall we? You at Crystal Palace have done a job, and it's time to put it in neutral. No sense in exerting yourselves any further, now that you're assured a position in the Prem or another year. Villa's been relegated, and you're seven points clear of a squabble that will consume two of Newcastle, Sunderland, and Norwich. You're in the clear and have nothing to do but play out the season. We at Arsenal however are locked in a cataclysm of sorts. We're sandwiched between the Manchesters and can ill-afford any more dropped points.  What say you?

I know there's some ill will between our two gaffers, but that dates back so far as to be ancient history. Pardew himself has buried the hatchet, saying the following back in August before the reverse-fixture:
In my opinion, he is one of the greatest managers, absolutely. I don't think we'd ever seen the type of football played in the Premier League before Arsène. He definitely educated coaches and managers in this country on the beauty of possession. He's a very brave manager to play the way he does week in, week out and stick to the principles he has.
Warm words, indeed. Given a similar chance to address the Pardew Problem, Arsène did demur a bit, saying only that "the Emirates is quieter because the distance between the two managers is quite good, and you need nearly to scream to have a go at each other! Overall, the danger is not too big." Not quite a bouquet and a bottle of wine, is it? Still, I hope it's enough to create the mood for romance.

If that doesn't quite suffice, consider what we've done on the few occasions when we had a chance to do you a favor. We've clashed with Brighton & Hove three times in the FA Cup and ousted each time (not that it was easy). If that's not enough, consider that we've done a double over Sunderland and Newcastle. We can't quite the same over Norwich, having drawn with them in November, but feel confident that we can bully them in a few weeks. Let's talk turkey. On Sunday, we win. Our chances are boosted; yours are undamaged. We repay the favor by battering Norwich, thereby ensuring that you stay up. We're happy. You're happy. We can all link arms and sing.

If that doesn't quite strike your fancy, we can think ahead to your own FA Cup clash with Watford next weekend. Heck, we can share our experience in how to lose and how not to lose to them (quick hint: if Troy Deeney starts talking about how his son's a Holmesdale Fanatic, you'd do well to man-mark him). What's more, should you end up facing Manchester United in the FA Cup final, we can talk a bit more. We're ace at besting them in FA Cup-ties lately. You can thank us in advance by beating Man U midweek. Cheers.

Look, I know it's unbecoming of us to come cap in hand asking for a favor. All I'm saying is that we each can help the other if only we're both willing. We're happy to oblige at our end...