21 May 2014

Transfer-shocker: Winning Welshman wants away from Wenger! [satire]

In devastating news sure to take the bloom off the rose of Arsenal's FA Cup win, reports indicate that Aaron Ramsey, scorer of the Cup-winning goal, may look for a move away from the Emirates, still stung by the ferocity of the vitriol he faced as recently as last season. Instead of feeling vindicated through a season that saw him score sixteen goals in all competitions while becoming a talismanic player, it appears as if his rejuvenation has brought with it a new does of ambition as he's linked to the likes of Bayern Munich and others.

John Hartson? Izzat you?
No less an expert than former Gunner and current Welshman John Hartson has said as much, suggesting that as many as ten different clubs might pursue Ramsey.

Stop.  Really? A player who has become as vital to our fortunes as Ramsey, a man who just signed a five-year contract, a man whose health and fitness are as inextricably linked to our performance over the last 18 months, will be sold? Come off it. I know that the silly season is in full swing, but this one is as far-fetched as they come. Still brimming with excitement and optimism from ending the trophy-drought, we're perhaps a little more vulnerable than usual to having our emotions exploited. The rumor has all the usual ingredients, plus a few extra ones to spice it up just a touch: Talismanic star pursued by bigger, free-spending clubs. Former Gunner offers his thoughts. Same former Gunner is "in the know" because he and talisman are compatriots. Sadly, such is our fragile confidence than many of us fall for it, still haunted by them memory of past transfer-windows that have seen us lose key players time and again.

The very logic used to suggest Ramsey's departure—he's in the form of his life, he's been instrumental to Arsenal—is precisely the logic to prove that he'll stay. The silly season usually spawns some far-fetched folderol, but this one takes the cake. Even Hartson, the apparent source of the rumor, or perhaps the pawn in someone else's game, went on to add that Ramsey is "settled and loves the club...He may feel 'I've had one outstanding season and Arsenal stuck by me when I wasn't playing that great a few years ago.'" By the time these words filter through the grape-vine, however, we're left with the kind of yellow journalism I tried to mock with my headline.

We all know what's really going on, of course. Some of us fall victim to it time and again; others see it as a harmless diversion; still others froth and gibber in rage at the whole process, which consists of us being offered some tantalizing prospect (Suarez! Draxler!) or some devastating departure (Ramsey? Özil?) only to see the story yanked away at a crucial juncture, leaving us flat on our backs. It reminds me of a comic strip, but I just can't...quite...remember...which...

At any rate, the tabloid gets to slap together a story, run it under whatever headline it so chooses, and watch the ad revenue roll in, click after click after click. Whether it's shock or amusement or rage that brings us to click through, the lucre lands in their laps. It does, after all, make the world go 'round. Pity that it also does so much to make our heads spin.

As far as concerns Aaron Ramsey, it would take at least £85.3m to pry him away from London. No Welsh midfielder is worth that.
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